Learning to live what you’re born with is the process, the involvement, the making of a life.

Diane Wakoski

I had a conversation with a young friend about the Blog last night. I don’t even know how we got started on the whole thing. I think I was telling him about the advertising gig on Living In the Edge of Madness and how the piece I had written about the worst idea in religion had gotten so many hits which led to a discussion of Blogs in general and this Blog in particular.

My friend is pretty therapeutized and pretty blunt so he asked me why I was doing this. I told him my therapist suggested it so I was doing it. Wasn’t it possible it was making me more angry? I told him that that was a distinct possibility but that maybe I needed to ge madder to get over beeing mad. You know what I mean?

I havn’t ever really written down what my mother had done without making excuses for her behavior. Cutting her some slack by blaming her actions on my father. This time I wasn’t making any excuses and I was telling all. Without going to much ito detail I told him what this Blog was about.

He asked me what I was going to do with it when I was done and I said I wasn’t exactly sure but I supposed that I would send my mother the URL. He told me I sounded angry. I told him damn straight I’m angry. He was worried that that anger might not be good for me. We talked some more and I told him the story about my nephew and the last four years and my recent conversations with my mother.

What ultimately came out is that I am furious with that bitch because all these years I have been protecting her from what she did by my silence. I chose not to tell my children or my brothers because it was me she did it to and I didn’t want to put anyone in the middleof my issues with her. The truth of the matter was I didn’t want anyone to say I had to be the one to forgive and forget and get over it already. I didn’t want anyone minimizing what happened and telling me that she was getting old and really couldn’t I find it in my heart to be the bigger person and let it go.

I just didn’t want to deal with any of them because there was too much hurt and too much potential for more. Besides, I didn’t go anywhere. They could have called me but they never did. Years went by. It’s like if I didn’t make the effort to stay in touch with the boys, I didn’t exist for them. And when they finally did wake up and realize I was missing from the picture, it was too late. I’d taken myself out of their sphere and I didn’t want back in. And I didn’t want them in my sphere either.

My mother said to me that I was only hurting myself by doing this. I asked exactly how she thought I was hurting. She said I had lost my family. I laughed at her and said said I had a family or did she forget I had two children, a son-in-law and a grandchild and oh by the way, one of her grandchildren had come up to Wisconsin to live. Did she know that? He calls me Aunt B. He’s part of my family too. And his girlfriend Natasha. I have as much family as I want to deal with right here thank you very much. What do you think you peopl;e are offering that I’m missing?

She had no answer. She has never once said to me. I love you. You are my daughter and I love you. I’m sorry I hurt you. Never.

I’m not going to protect her anymore. I don’t give a rats ass what my brothers do with the information but I’m going to make sure they see this Blog.My young friend said to me that I can’t change my mother I just have to accept that she is who she is.  He had to do the same with his mother.  He is of course right and I accepted that years ago.  That is what allowed me to walk away from her.

Trust the process, baby, trust the process.  The process is that you learn to live the life you are given with as much dignity and joy as you can possibly muster in spite of the assholes you run into along the way.  If you aren’t lucky enough to be given the appropriate guides when you are born, by damn you look until you find one that suits you who can lead you through the Process! These guides are generally known as therapists but can sometimes be found pastoring churches, in Alanon and AA groups and other self-help groups.  Whatever.   Trust the fucking process!

B